I am a neurotic goofy guy living in North America. I am gay, have always been, but only within the last half a year have reached the limit of straight acting,–some would say, why now? Answer, i am just tired of pretending to be straight.

Now, this does not mean I am going to hold up a sign saying “I am gay!” but it means now I am going to start searching for my man out there. I hope he is out there. If not, I am willing to take the risk of being an unhappy 50 year old gay man searching for comfort and love from food and maybe a Chihuahua.

The gay aspect of me seems to dominate my life at the moment since it is the only thing I am hopeful about. Tried until November to lead a straight life, but one day I was so close to suicide and hopelessness, that I decided, if I am going to kill myself and then inevitably go to hell for it, then I want to go to hell, having been with a man and/ or making my life on earth a little better.

I unfortunately also took Acid on one occasion. This has been a blessing and a curse at the same time–it made my paranoid nature more developed. As well, I have become semi-schizophrenic, with bizarre delusions and flashback hallucinations…yea, hard to believe, weird, but its my truth.

Without getting into too much detail, after graduating from grad school I have decided to work towards liberating myself. As a Muslim, or ex-Muslim (depending on how you look at it: I pray as a Muslim cause that’s what i know but I am gay and that seems to contradict with Islamic law), I was always told to not act a certain way (girly), and this lead me to second guess everything I did and lead me to be the most low self esteemed individual ever.

Now, I am in transition. I am becoming more comfortable with whom I am, but the battle and arguments and state of affairs at home (yes i live with my parents–unemployed and recently finished school but yea almost 30-OMG!!!) is making it difficult. I am hoping one day soon I will wake up with a job and that I am destined to get so that I have money and means to move out and truly be independent.

Having lived a life where I was not supposed to act a certain way, I have not received the development one would expect a middle aged man to have. I am, in my life, going through now, what most do as a 15 year old. Knowing so, I am now seeing a shrink to learn to love myself more, getting out more, trying to grow as a person, and hopefully my journey will be one of success and happiness (hope the same for my readers). Amen.

Hopefully, I can receive this happiness without much effect on my parents life…Yes, I understand, my parents are having a tough time too–dealing with a gay son for Muslims living in a non-Muslim nation is difficult–I suppose if they had not moved to North America from an Islamic nation for a better life, i would have been hung by now or had ran away to become a tranny, as is common in some eastern countries for gay Muslims.

Okay well, I am getting sleepy writing this, and so you may be getting sleepy reading it…but guess, what that’s pretty much my situation at the moment: Shifting into my gay lifestyle and becoming everything I am and want to be…good luck to me and good luck to you too for achieving what it is you are seeking in life…UNLESS IT IS TO LIMIT MY HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS, lol.

To be continued…